April 26th, 2001
I have it. I know Is it clinical? That i don't know.
It bugs me at times how i can be a true void.
I have friends who are heavily into what could be called mysticism.
One won't have her photograph taken. Totems are wide spread.
Minor perceptive powers are attributed with psychic.
Then there is me. I'm a void. or a pebble or a rock depending on how you look at it.
Whatever happens has no relation to me it just gets sucked in or washes over me leavng no affect.
Personal contact for me is nigh nonexistant.
At times i'm more no one then everyone. A girl was worried about how one person would see here becausse she was hanging onto everyone.
Of course since i wasn't part of everyone, it makes you feel like no one.
I realise that "A person is an individual." and that "Being part of a crowd isn't that important" But thoose setiments are also throw backs of pop psych.
Humans are social beings on a majority. I can not be social at times. True.
But I still feel it missing if i don't have friends or if i get ignored on purpose or not.
In my group of friends there is someone lets call him C. He gets depressed and bitches and moans about his problems. this causes some friction between C and the rest of the friends.
Now the problems are much like mine. No companionship. Lots of stress and the such.
I don't bitch about mine. In my friends eyes this makes me better. In my own eyes it makes me worse. I don't do anything to try and change my problems.
I closing i'd like to say to all thoose people who say "Just stop looking and thats when you'll find love/relationship/hapiness/etc." TO F#@# OFF.
I CAN'T STOP.
If i stopped there are two flaws.
1. It would be as if i had given up. And hope is never something to give up.
2. If I "give up" looking in hopes of finding someone. Then I actually DIDN'T give up. I simply changed the manor in looking.
Its a bit hard to follw but the flaw is there.
Well I need to go clean no. Maybe i will actually find my floor.
Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: sounds of my fan
having a crappy day. feels a little better to know that you've had 'em too. not so lonely. gods I hate being lonely.